Believing God

A few months I started a Bible study with several other ladies from the church. The study was called "Believing God". It was a ten week study, with a video and homework to do each week. It was a wonderful study and I of course learned a ton. I have to smile when I think about it because I actually started the study four years when I was pregnant with Jennifer. I only got about three weeks in and then J was born so I never finished. I found it funny that four years later I found myself waiting for a baby and doing this study again. God's timing is amazing! Anyway, we finished the study the week that Caleb was born. A friend called me a few days ago and said she had just watched the final video (she had missed the last night a few weeks ago). She said she cried through most of it and wondered if I had watched it. I said yes but couldn't remember a lot of it, a lot has gone on since I watched it. So today I grabbed my "workbook" and looked at session ten again. I was amazed at God again, He knows exactly what we (I) need and exactly when we (I) need it. I read over my notes and the fill in the blank answers, just what I needed for today.
-God wants to write our testimony- He is in the process of writing something big for Bill and I right now
-God is not looking for perfection, He is looking for faith- I am far, far from perfect, I will be the first to admit it! How sweet to know that God does not expect me to be perfect, He simply wants me to live for Him, trust in Him, obey Him. Only Jesus was without sin, I will never get there!
-Don't stop believing or I will miss so much- In these days, as hard as some are, I don't want to miss what God has in store, what He has to teach me, to show me. I will keep believing Him because I don't want to miss a thing.
-God's will always has purpose- We may not know what that purpose is yet but there is a purpose, there is reason for these days. Always, what an amazing word when it comes from God.
-We will see His glory- John 11:40 says that if we believe we will see the glory of God. I believe that God will use all that is happening to bring glory unto Himself.
-Faith is putting it all out there, pour everything out to the last drop-
-Christ is standing by, God loves, God is strong-
I stand in amazement of God that I watched a video over three weeks ago and wrote some words on a piece of paper that I would need to read again weeks later.
Bill will be home tomorrow afternoon, hooray. Jennifer has been asking for dad and I just need to see him. It will be good to home together as a family again.

feeling tired

Jennifer has gotten up by six-thirty the past several mornings, which for her is early! So today we were both tired. I have to admit by nine-thirty this morning I was exhausted, I could have easily taken a nap. No such luck though, not with a preschooler running around.
I talked with Bill this morning and could tell by his voice that he too is tired. He sounded kind of down too. He said that in class they spent some time talking about adoption. He said that everything is so fresh it was hard to listen. Sunday we went to church out of town (lots of reasons we didn't go to our church, long story for another day) and during the announcements the church had a little video about adoption ministry. As I listened tears filled my eyes. It is amazing to listen to people's hearts on adoption, there are so many people who are so committed to helping children and parents become families. I truly love to listen to people share their hearts, yet right now it is just hard. I can't begin to imagine what was going through Bill's head this morning.
As Bill and I talked he shared how the instructor was talking about the first time you get to hold your child and my mind quickly went back to when we first laid eyes on our baby. I had no idea what he would look like, yet he looked just as I thought, hard to explain. Bill said he began to realize that even though we have gone through much on the journey of adoption he would do the past weeks again in a heart beat. I so agree. We had almost a week with our baby, a week of holding, feeding, changing diapers and most of all loving him. If someone would have told me days before Caleb was born that it would turn out this way I don't know if I could have stayed away. We prepared for him and loved him already, he was already ours. Yes I would do it again, I would put my heart out there, knowing it might get broken again. We serve a God who has a purpose and plan for everything and so I trust that we are going through these days for a reason. I don't know what that purpose is yet and I may not until I see Jesus face-to-face but we continue on the journey of adoption trusting Him, for every good and perfect gift comes from Him.

Tuesday

It is hard to believe all that changes in a week. One week today, at about this exact time we were standing in a hospital room, signing papers and then leaving with our baby boy. Now today we are at home, grieving the fact that we do not get to be with him...
Jennifer is a school this morning, something that is much needed for her, a little routine back in her life. She had a rough night last night. Bill is gone and my mom is here and when it came time for bed I know her little mind thought that I would be gone in the morning. Every time I tried to lay her down she just cried and kept saying "chair, chair". She just wanted to rock with me. We rocked a while and eventually she claimed down and was able to lay in bed. How I wish I knew what was going on in her sweet little mind.
Bill is studying hard at school, ok so when he emailed me last night he said he had no desire to study but he was doing it anyway. I know he needs to be there but I have to say I am missing him like crazy after just a day. Even if I could just hug him for second that would be enough. It is nice to have my mom here. She is a great listener and it is nice to have an adult to talk to! I don't know if we ever out grow needing our moms, at least I haven't.
I have to admit that this is kind of becoming therapeutic to me. Being able to write and share what is on my mind. It may not make sense, so for that I apologize, but it is nice to be able to just write every now and then. Thanks for listening to my ramblings...

my sweet husband and daughter

With all that has gone on in the course of the last days my mind tonight is focused on my sweet husband and daughter. Bill left about an hour ago for school and Jennifer is in bed sound asleep. Bill and I have been on many journeys over our nearly fourteen years together (yes, it is hard to believe we have been together almost fourteen years). Almost each journey brings us closer together and the journey of the past week has been no different. Bill and I have shared more tears than I care to imagine over the past week, really Bill has been amazing to let me vent and cry at times. One morning last week I was at the end of my emotional threads and I just sobbed. Bill being the wonderful husband that he is just let me cry, he knew there was nothing that needed to be said he just knew I needed that time in his arms to cry. His heart is breaking just as much as mine but I know my husband well and know that he is carrying an extra burden. He is carrying his own heart break but he also carries mine with him. I could see in his sweet eyes tonight as he left that he was worried and anxious about leaving right now. My mom is coming to stay with Jennifer and I for a few days so that brings him some comfort but yet I know he is worried. Bill is a humble person and would not like that I am carrying on about him. But he is my wonderful, caring, loving husband. He is a man seeking hard after God, wanting nothing more than to serve and live a life honoring to Him. I am so glad that I get to journey through this thing called life with Bill. I could not have imagined going through the past days with anyone else.
As much as my heart has been breaking for Bill lately my heart is also breaking for Jennifer. This sweet girl has been on a little journey herself over the past week. She was sick last weekend, without her mom and dad around. Although she was well taken care of by her grammie, she is a daddy's girl when she is sick, so I know it was hard on her. Grammie then brought Jennifer back to our house, only to discover that her parents were not here, to get into a different car and drive ten hours. She then got to meet her brother, who she loved from the moment she saw him and then she had to watch as her parents handed him back over to the social worker. We then loaded her back into the car for another ten hour trip home. I cannot even begin to imagine how any four year old could understand and comprehend what she has gone through. The most difficult part is that Jennifer cannot communicate like most four year olds. She can't tell us how she is feeling or even what she is feeling. The main way for her to express her feelings is by simply showing her emotions. She has been clingy and slightly whinny since we got home, all ways that she is dealing with what has gone around her for the past week. We have spent the past three days together as a family and I don't know what tomorrow morning will bring when Bill is not here. Hopefully mama coming will help ease that pain for a day or two. The past few days Bill and I have noticed that Jennifer's smile seems to take up her entire face, it is the sweetest thing. Her laugh makes me want to laugh out loud and smile all the more. Among the sadness that has filled our house the past few days there is this sweet girl that brings so much joy. God is using our sweet girl to remind us that there are moments that need to be cherished today, even amidst the pain. There are reasons to laugh and smile, even through our tears.
As I go to bed tonight I thank God so very much for the sweetest husband ever and a daughter who continues to teach me lessons and make me laugh, even when I want to cry.

sharing my thoughts

I have been thinking all day that I need to write more, that I need to share more with each of you.  To be honest I don't know what that more is but I will write and see if anything makes sense.  This is kind of way for me to get things out of my head so it may not make any sense to anyone but me so I apologize.

As we started out to Michigan a week ago we knew that things could turn out the way they did.  But to be honest that was at the very back our mind, although we knew it I don't think we every thought it really would.  Each day was a roller coaster ride for us.  It seemed there was something that happened each day that made us question what was going to happen, there was something that made us wonder if we were going to get to bring our baby home.  However, Thursday was probably the day that we had the greatest peace, it was by far the best day.  We were truly enjoying our time together as a family.  Jennifer had arrived with some friends, she got to see her brother and loved him from the start.  We had found out that we had court date and that maybe our stay out of state would not have to be as long as we originally thought.  Then came the phone call from the social worker.  She was as surprised as we were.  She was just as heartbroken as we were.  Our social worker in Michigan was wonderful.  She was open and honest with us from the beginning, saying that the situation was rocky from the get go.  The whole time she had the best interest of our sweet baby in mind.  Our adoption agency has been wonderful, we by no means put any blame on them, they had no idea that this was going to happen.  As we drove home Bill and I discussed that our social worker was probably having just as long a night as we were and that her heart was breaking just as much as ours were.  

Yesterday was hard as we unloaded the car.  We had to carry in an empty car seat and a suitcase full of baby clothes that will never be worn.  We had to put all of those things in a room that was ready for our baby, we had to put them in a room with an empty crib.  For now the door is shut and in the next week or so we will have to bring ourselves to go in and unpack and organize things.  I just can't bring myself to do it yet.  Today has been hard as I realize little things that I had began to imagine about our new family.  Yesterday as we played outside in the warm sun Bill mentioned something about vacation.  A vacation that we thought we would be bringing our new baby on.  As Jennifer crawled into bed this morning I began to think that our family is not quite complete, we were missing someone this morning.  We are still processing a lot, we are grieving the loss of our son.  I know that you all have questions and trust me we have questions too.  We just don't have a lot of answers.  I don't know that we will ever be able to answer any of the questions.  It has been good to home the past two days.  We played outside yesterday and today we have relaxed inside while it rains outside.  As we said from the beginning of this journey we are taking things hour by hour, day by day.  Trusting and knowing that God knows exactly what we need each hour and each day.  

home...without our baby

This is very hard to write but I wanted to get it written so everyone knew what is happening. Bill, Jennifer and I made the ten hour journey home last night without our sweet boy. We got a call about five-thirty from our social worker with some not great news. She had to contact the birth father for court and in conversation with him he stated that he had every intent to parent the baby. The social worker then called the birth mom so see her take on this news, she simply said that she was glad that he had decided to help so she would be on her way to get the baby. Our social worker said we could have as much time as we needed but we felt that the quicker the transition took place the better. So we packed up our sweet baby and took him to the social worker. I can't begin to tell you our emotion. We are processing a lot right now. Not really sure what to think or how to feel. After leaving our baby we simply wanted to get home with Jennifer. So we packed up our hotel room and arrived home about four o'clock this morning. We are happy to be at our house as we begin to grieve and process what has just happened. Our hearts are breaking for this sweet baby, we honestly don't know what will happen to him. Thank-you for your prayers through out this process. Our past week has been a journey, more than we could have ever imagined. We know that God has a reason and purpose for this, we just don't know what it is yet. We are praising God for bringing us home safely last night and that we can be at home with Jennifer. We will keep you posted...
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. Psalm 28:7a

Update Finally!!

Sorry for the delay with an update, I know some of you have been waiting.  We have not been able to update the blog over the past few days because we have been having internet trouble.   We finally had to go to a place (Pandera to be exact) that had wireless in order to update.  Bill spent lots of time on the phone last night trying to get things to work and it just didn’t happen.  So here we finally are. 

The baby is out of the hospital, hooray!!  We got out late yesterday morning.  The road continues to be bumpy and there is still some uncertainties.  We don’t know what each hour will bring and so we just live in the moment as it unfolds.  For now we are loving the fact that we get to just have our baby.  We get to feed him, change him and love him all on our own. 

We are very excited that Jennifer is coming!!  We have some sweet friends who are going to make the ten hour drive to Michigan with Jennifer.  Bill and I are both missing our sweet daughter and can’t wait to see her.  We are also looking forward to seeing some familiar faces!  Our friends are not going to go stay long, they will get here late, late, tonight and then will leave sometime in the morning.  We are grateful for their willingness to bring Jennifer so far.  They will be bringing our stuff for our camera so hopefully we can get some pictures posted!

We will keep you posted on what is happening.  Thanks for continuing to pray for our family during this time, it means a lot.   Sorry for the short update, hopefully in the next few days we will be able to have internet access and then I can post pictures and write more.

Thanks to everyone for sweet messages!  We haven't been able to check our email as often as we would like but it is encouraging to read messages from friends.  It is also fun to read your comments on the blog, it makes us feel a little closer to home!  We do apologize if we have missed an appointment or forgot a phone about something, our days have been crazy and we are remembering things after the fact and kicking ourselves for not getting certain things done!  So bear with us if we have missed something or someone the past few days.  We love you all  sweet friends and family!

holding baby

I'm sitting here holding my baby while I type!  Hooray!  For about the past three hours Bill and I have been able to be with our baby.  We have been able to change a poopy diaper, feed him and love him like crazy.  It has been fun.  We are very hopeful that tomorrow we will be able to leave the hospital.  If he can keep his temperature up over night we will be good to go.  I forgot our usb cord for the camera and Bill's computer isn't reading the scan disk right now so I can't put any pictures on tonight.  We will keep trying to get them on the computer and then I will post some pictures for you all to see.  We have had a wonderful afternoon.  We are still taking things day by day, hour by hour and right now things are good.  Hopefully I can get some pictures on soon, if not I will keep you posted about tomorrow!

No visits

Yesterday day when I wrote our blog I have to admit I was trying to talk on the phone, write our blog, get pictures on the computer, lots of stuff going on.  So I apologize for not writing much and for any misspelled words or bad grammar.  Bill usually gives me a bad time about all that so just know over the next weeks my message might not be perfect but I'm not perfect so you will just have to live with it!On to our sweet baby... We got to spend some time with him in the nursery early yesterday afternoon.  Bill and I spent time just holding him and loving him up.  It was sweet.  He was pretty much awake for us the whole time, as we went to leave he was drifting off to sleep.  Since that visit we have not been to the hospital.  We got a call from our social worker saying that the baby was having a hard time keeping his temperature up so he was under the warmers.  He was not going to be able to have any visitors for the rest of the day.  So right now we are waiting to hear from the birth mom to find out when the baby can be held again.  It may sound strange that we are not at the hospital all the time and able to be with the baby but that is a long story that sometime in the next weeks I will share more details about.  Right now we are simply doing the things we need to do to get through the hospital stay.  Yesterday was a very long emotional day for us and today is a new day, it is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today.  A sweet friend emailed us last night with that great reminder, each day will be better than the day before.  We are hoping a few hours to get to go the hospital and spend some time with our baby.  We will be sure to take some pictures and post them for everyone to see.

As I was reading my Bible yesterday afternoon these verses popped out at me...

But he (Jesus) said to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made

 perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Bill just talked to the birth mom and it sounds like we will be going later this afternoon to feed the baby so we will post pictures later!  Thanks for continuing to pray for our family!

Baby pictures

Hello everyone,

Finally I am going to post some pictures of our new baby!  The last fourteen hours or so have been a little emtional.  Not to go into any great detail but please keep praying for our family!  We still have a journey ahead of us here in Michigan and we know that God has everything planned and under control.  Our sweet baby was born on Friday morning at 8:10.  He weighs 6lbs. 12oz and was 20 inches long.  He is a handsome, sweet baby!  We are completely head over heels, in love with this sweet baby.  Bill is on the phone with Jennifer right now, oh how I am missing my sweet girl.  I can't wait for her to see her brother!

Finally spring!

I am hoping that it is finally spring! The past two days have been great. Jennifer is very excited that she can be outside and for a long time. Last night she didn't want to come in to eat supper and then had a little fit when it was time to come in for the night. She is an outside girl!

This morning was a rare morning when we had no where to go. No school or therapy appointments to get to, so Jennifer was able to stay in her pj's most of the morning, something she really loves. When she did finally agree to take a bath she didn't want to get out. The only thing that made her want to get out was when I told her we could go outside.

These pictures really have nothing to do with the fact that it is finally warm outside, just funny pictures that I like!

Sunday afternoon

It is a cold, windy and snowy afternoon. Yes snowy, I can't even believe we are into April already and we are having snow. I am a little sick of the cold and snow! We were really hoping for a lazy, napping all afternoon Sunday but that of course is not the case. Jennifer decided to sleep for about ten minutes and so she is now in her room talking and laughing, Bill decided to still try and get a nap in and me well I decided to put some pictures on our blog.
My family decided that nap time was over so I should go hang out with them. We are really hoping this week to hear some news about Caleb James (that is what we are naming our baby boy in case I haven't shared that). Again I will keep you posted as we hear anything.