It was a year ago today that we were driving as quickly as we could to get to Michigan. Our son was being born and we could not wait to get there to hold him and love on him. Today Caleb James turns a year old. This week I have been replaying the events that took place a year ago over in my mind. I keep thinking that we should be planning a birthday party for our little boy. Yet, we are not. Instead I find myself wondering if he is having a birthday party today and who he is celebrating with. There are lots of emotions I find myself going through, it is a hard place to be let me tell you.
A lot happened while we were in Michigan for that week. It was one of the hardest things Bill and I have ever been through. It is one of the hardest things we will probably ever have to go through. We had to walk through each and every moment asking God to direct our next step. It is amazing how He did direct our every step, as hard as some of those steps were.
I think people often wonder if we would go through the experience again, knowing what the end result would be. The answer to that is tough. The pain we felt was great, we had loved on our son for almost a week and then we had to hand him over to our social worker. I don't know that I ever want to experience that sort of pain again. Yet, we had one week to love on our son, to hold him, to treat him like he was ours. I would go through all the pain again to have those moments back. The moments of rocking him to sleep after a bottle, giving him his first bath, just simply holding him. To whisper I love you one more time in his sweet little ear, yes I would go through the pain again.
This morning I was awakened by the sweet sound of Mikayla. I went in and got her out of bed and sat down with her in the chair. She was sitting on my lap looking at me with a sweet little smile on her face. Her eyes had little crusties on them, she had snot coming out her nose and a smile that lit up my heart. As I looked at her tears welled up in my eyes. We love that baby girl more than you can imagine, she is our daughter, we can't think of anyone else fitting more perfectly into our family. And yet today my hearts aches for the baby who is not here with us, for the little boy who should be celebrating with us. If Caleb would have come home with us we would not have Mikayla, it breaks my heart that we simply can't have them both. It is hard to put those emotions into words, to express how that feels is just slightly hard. I think people may think that even though we didn't get to bring Caleb home we now have Mikayla so things are good. While yes we do have Mikayla and love her more than anything, it is hard to forgot a child, even if we only had him for a week. Life just isn't that easy.
Recently we had someone ask us if we had any thoughts on why God had us walk the journey we walked. I am fully convinced that God has us walk through things in life for a reason. I am also convinced that we may not find out why we walk through things in life until we are spending eternity with Him. No we don't know why God had us walk through this journey, maybe some day we will be able to help someone going through a similar situation, but then again we will have all eternity for God Himself to fill us in.
Happy Birthday Caleb James, I pray that you had a sweet first birthday...
1 comment:
Kristin, I can't even begin to know how you must be feeling today and during this past year. We are thinking of you and I know that your faith will pull you through!!
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