sharing my thoughts

I have been thinking all day that I need to write more, that I need to share more with each of you.  To be honest I don't know what that more is but I will write and see if anything makes sense.  This is kind of way for me to get things out of my head so it may not make any sense to anyone but me so I apologize.

As we started out to Michigan a week ago we knew that things could turn out the way they did.  But to be honest that was at the very back our mind, although we knew it I don't think we every thought it really would.  Each day was a roller coaster ride for us.  It seemed there was something that happened each day that made us question what was going to happen, there was something that made us wonder if we were going to get to bring our baby home.  However, Thursday was probably the day that we had the greatest peace, it was by far the best day.  We were truly enjoying our time together as a family.  Jennifer had arrived with some friends, she got to see her brother and loved him from the start.  We had found out that we had court date and that maybe our stay out of state would not have to be as long as we originally thought.  Then came the phone call from the social worker.  She was as surprised as we were.  She was just as heartbroken as we were.  Our social worker in Michigan was wonderful.  She was open and honest with us from the beginning, saying that the situation was rocky from the get go.  The whole time she had the best interest of our sweet baby in mind.  Our adoption agency has been wonderful, we by no means put any blame on them, they had no idea that this was going to happen.  As we drove home Bill and I discussed that our social worker was probably having just as long a night as we were and that her heart was breaking just as much as ours were.  

Yesterday was hard as we unloaded the car.  We had to carry in an empty car seat and a suitcase full of baby clothes that will never be worn.  We had to put all of those things in a room that was ready for our baby, we had to put them in a room with an empty crib.  For now the door is shut and in the next week or so we will have to bring ourselves to go in and unpack and organize things.  I just can't bring myself to do it yet.  Today has been hard as I realize little things that I had began to imagine about our new family.  Yesterday as we played outside in the warm sun Bill mentioned something about vacation.  A vacation that we thought we would be bringing our new baby on.  As Jennifer crawled into bed this morning I began to think that our family is not quite complete, we were missing someone this morning.  We are still processing a lot, we are grieving the loss of our son.  I know that you all have questions and trust me we have questions too.  We just don't have a lot of answers.  I don't know that we will ever be able to answer any of the questions.  It has been good to home the past two days.  We played outside yesterday and today we have relaxed inside while it rains outside.  As we said from the beginning of this journey we are taking things hour by hour, day by day.  Trusting and knowing that God knows exactly what we need each hour and each day.