looking back

Bill and I were chatting yesterday afternoon and the first thing we began discussing was Mikayla. We continue to stand in amazement of God and how He has healed Mikayla's little body. Our sweet little girl had surgery just over a week ago and is doing amazing. Her incision looks great and each day she acts a little better and back to her old self. It was just three months ago that we drove to Wisconsin to pick up Mikayla and actually get to take her with us. I do love that Mikayla has become a part of our family. It is amazing how she simply "fits" into our family. God truly hand picked Mikayla for our family. I love getting to see her personality come out, watching the funny faces she makes, watching her hair grow in (it is going to be a surprise what color it will be and weather it will be curly or straight, I can't wait to find out), I simply love to watch our little girl grow (and our big girl too)! As Bill and I kept chatting we started discussing that it was six months ago that we were driving to Michigan as quickly as we could so we could hold our baby boy. It is hard to believe it has been six months ago since we held Caleb, got to love on him for a week and then come home without him. Our hearts still break for our son. He will truly always be ours, even if we never see him again, he will always be our son. We often find ourselves wondering about how he is doing. Is he laughing, when did he start smiling, is he starting to sit up yet, or rolling over? Most of all we wonder if he is being loved well? We do pray that his mom is loving him for who he is. The weird thing is that if we would have brought Caleb home we would not have Mikayla and I can't imagine our lives without her. Really though I want to have them both, as crazy as that would be in our home, I want both my babies to be here, Mikayla and Caleb. Some friends asked us a few weeks ago if they called tomorrow and said we could bring Caleb home what would we say? Without looking at each other and without hesitation Bill and I both said "yes, in heartbeat". Even knowing that Mikayla's surgery was coming we would say yes, we would make something work, but we would get him as quickly as we could. I think we will forever wonder about our son, we will forever want him back in our arms. As we look back over the past months of our lives, as hard as some of those moments have been, it is clear that God has had everything under control and He has worked everything out. It has been a roller coaster ride, sometimes we have really wanted to get off and stop the ride but I guess when it comes down to it I won't really have wanted to miss the ride either.